Help, I’m At The Elmo!

STEREO · ELMO-LP-000
Catalogue no. entirely decorative

Side A

A1The ShowA cross between The Office, Entertainment Tonight and The Trump Cabinet.live

A2Reality? Hard Pass.Our philosophy, in one lie.∞

A3Elvis Costello Drops By!A hard-hitting chat about carrots, next to a man in a carrot suit. It gets heated. Correction: that was not actually the real Elvis Costello.sic

A4Diana Krall, Live From the Powder RoomProbably.?:??

A5Tonight: Ray Davies! Drake!(Caption: No. No, they aren’t.)0:00

Side B · The Untrue News

B1Taylor Swift announces ultra-exclusive vinyl variant pressed onto the heads of two bald guys she met at a partyexcl.

B2Trivia: the planet Jupiter was once a non-credited member of ABBAuncr.

B3Health experts confirm Keith Richards’ lip grease is on just over half of all cigarettes ever smoked51%

B4Los Bravos singer no longer wants his baby back — he’d rather have a big tangy stick of rhubarbtangy

B5Chompers, world’s oldest alligator, still has bits of Johnny Weissmuller stuck in his teethchomp

B6Our Killer Closing Argument*cricket noises* (we’ll get back to you)—

Liner Notes

“Help, I’m At The Elmo” is a cross between The Office, Entertainment Tonight and The Trump Cabinet. The entire show is a rickety boat of chaos and backstabbing kept afloat on a sea of bald-faced lies and jaw-dropping incompetence. And it all takes place under the legendary roof of one of the most famous rock clubs in the world!

Our Philosophy

Reality can be such a severely limiting construct and the show’s creators were just way too smart to fall into that trap. “I’m At The Elmo: books the biggest and brightest stars on Earth, only it’s not really them. They have mind-blowing exclusive, blockbuster news stories that never happened. They win huge prestigious awards honouring their work, that don’t exist. None of this would be remotely possible if they were lashed to the outdated mast of honesty and integrity.

Personnel · Our Three Main Stars

Marcie

Host · Gold-Digger

A petty, self-centred gold-digger and quite possibly the world’s worst interviewer.

Winner: Best Interviewer, an award that does not exist

Ben

Co-Host · Impeccably Groomed

Homeless because he spends every penny he makes on expensive suits and personal grooming products… oh, and he’s also not a very good interviewer.

Nominee: Best Hair, self-awarded. Also somehow the guests’ Uber driver. No car.

Tiffany

The Intern · Over It

Young, smart, disgruntled and bitter, and handed all the jobs nobody else wants to do. A fantastic interviewer, if she weren’t doing everyone’s laundry.

Employee of the Never. Do not drink the coffee she brings you.

Full personnel notesMarcie is a petty, self-centred gold-digger and quite possibly the world’s worst interviewer. Ben is homeless because he spends every penny he makes on expensive suits and personal grooming products… oh, and he’s also not a very good interviewer. Tiffany, the intern, is young, smart, disgruntled, bitter and foul-mouthed and is handed all the crap jobs nobody else wants to do. She would be a fantastic interviewer, if she wasn’t doing their laundry, cleaning their dressing rooms and pissing in the coffee she brings them every morning.

Bonus 7″ · The Pilot

Coming Soon

Starring nobody you think it is. Now with 40% more pilot!

Bookings · Book the stars. (Not the real ones.)

Partners, press and producers: get in touch with Miss Marcie, Canada’s Pinup Girl.

EMAIL ……… contact@example.com (coming soon)
MISS MARCIE … missmarcie.rocks →
SOCIALS ……… Links coming soon

Recorded live under the legendary roof of the El Mocambo, allegedly.
All guests, news and awards are entirely made up. Probably.
As seen on: Nowhere · Not CBC · Definitely Not Netflix · Your Aunt’s Facebook · A Fridge Door