Help, I’m At The Elmo!

The biggest and brightest stars on Earth. Only it’s not really them.

Marcie in a green leather coat is hoisted up to peer through a brick-building window at night while Ben, holding her up, glances nervously over his shoulder.

ON-SCREEN CAPTION: This is not actually the real Elvis Costello

*Photo is not real. Window is real. Ben’s back is not okay.

>>> THE UNTRUE NEWS <<<

Taylor Swift announces ultra-exclusive vinyl variant pressed onto the heads of two bald guys she met at a party ★ Trivia: the planet Jupiter was once a non-credited member of ABBA ★ Health experts confirm Keith Richards’ lip grease is on just over half of all cigarettes ever smoked ★ Los Bravos singer no longer wants his baby back — he’d rather have a big tangy stick of rhubarb ★ Tonight: Ray Davies! Drake! (Caption: No. No, they aren’t.) ★ Chompers, world’s oldest alligator, still has bits of Johnny Weissmuller stuck in his teeth

~ The Show ~

“Help, I’m At The Elmo” is a cross between The Office, Entertainment Tonight and The Trump Cabinet. The entire show is a rickety boat of chaos and backstabbing kept afloat on a sea of bald-faced lies and jaw-dropping incompetence. And it all takes place under the legendary roof of one of the most famous rock clubs in the world!

Our Philosophy: Reality? Hard pass.

Reality can be such a severely limiting construct and the show’s creators were just way too smart to fall into that trap. “I’m At The Elmo: books the biggest and brightest stars on Earth, only it’s not really them. They have mind-blowing exclusive, blockbuster news stories that never happened. They win huge prestigious awards honouring their work, that don’t exist. None of this would be remotely possible if they were lashed to the outdated mast of honesty and integrity.

The Untrue News Vol. 0 · Free · Worthless

EXCLUSIVE · BLOCKBUSTER · NEVER HAPPENED

Elvis Costello Drops By!

The legend sits down with our hosts for a hard-hitting chat about carrots, next to a man in a carrot suit. It gets heated.

Also inside: Diana Krall, live from the powder room. Probably.

Correction: That was not actually the real Elvis Costello.

Our Three Main Stars: The “Talent” (sic)

WINNER
Award That Doesn’t Exist

1. Marcie

Host · Gold-Digger

A petty, self-centred gold-digger and quite possibly the world’s worst interviewer.

★ Winner: Best Interviewer, an award that does not exist

NOMINEE
Best Hair, Self-Awarded

2. Ben

Co-Host · Impeccably Groomed

Homeless because he spends every penny he makes on expensive suits and personal grooming products… oh, and he’s also not a very good interviewer.

★ Also somehow the guests’ Uber driver. No car.

EMPLOYEE
of the Never

3. Tiffany

The Intern · Over It

Young, smart, disgruntled and bitter, and handed all the jobs nobody else wants to do. A fantastic interviewer, if she weren’t doing everyone’s laundry.

★ Do not drink the coffee she brings you

Marcie is a petty, self-centred gold-digger and quite possibly the world’s worst interviewer. Ben is homeless because he spends every penny he makes on expensive suits and personal grooming products… oh, and he’s also not a very good interviewer. Tiffany, the intern, is young, smart, disgruntled, bitter and foul-mouthed and is handed all the crap jobs nobody else wants to do. She would be a fantastic interviewer, if she wasn’t doing their laundry, cleaning their dressing rooms and pissing in the coffee she brings them every morning.

Our Killer Closing Argument:

*cricket noises*(we’ll get back to you)

Watch the Pilot!!!

▶

COMING SOON

Starring nobody you think it is

Now with 40% more pilot!

Book the stars. (Not the real ones.)

Partners, press and producers: get in touch with Miss Marcie, Canada’s Pinup Girl.

E-mail: contact@example.com (coming soon)

Miss Marcie: missmarcie.rocks →

Socials: Links coming soon

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00042069
(counter is decorative — like the awards)

~*~ The Not-Really-Them Celebrity Webring ~*~
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Last updated: October 9, 2026
© 2026 Help, I’m At The Elmo! All guests, news and awards are entirely made up. Probably.

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