EXCLUSIVE!!! Totally Real Photo* — *Photo is not real. Window is real. Ben’s back is not okay.

A comedy music series · Live from the El Mocambo

Help,I’m At TheElmo!

The biggest and brightest stars on Earth. Only it’s not really them.

As Seen On —NowhereNot CBCDefinitely Not NetflixYour Aunt’s FacebookA Fridge Door

The Untrue News

Taylor Swift announces ultra-exclusive vinyl variant pressed onto the heads of two bald guys she met at a party Trivia: the planet Jupiter was once a non-credited member of ABBA Health experts confirm Keith Richards’ lip grease is on just over half of all cigarettes ever smoked Los Bravos singer no longer wants his baby back — he’d rather have a big tangy stick of rhubarb Tonight: Ray Davies! Drake! (Caption: No. No, they aren’t.) Chompers, world’s oldest alligator, still has bits of Johnny Weissmuller stuck in his teeth

A1 — The Show

Help, I’m At The Elmo!

“Help, I’m At The Elmo” is a cross between The Office, Entertainment Tonight and The Trump Cabinet. The entire show is a rickety boat of chaos and backstabbing kept afloat on a sea of bald-faced lies and jaw-dropping incompetence. And it all takes place under the legendary roof of one of the most famous rock clubs in the world!

Liner Notes

Stereo · ELMO-LP-000
Catalogue no. entirely decorative

A2 — Our Philosophy: Reality? Hard pass.

Reality can be such a severely limiting construct and the show’s creators were just way too smart to fall into that trap. “I’m At The Elmo: books the biggest and brightest stars on Earth, only it’s not really them. They have mind-blowing exclusive, blockbuster news stories that never happened. They win huge prestigious awards honouring their work, that don’t exist. None of this would be remotely possible if they were lashed to the outdated mast of honesty and integrity.

Tonight’s lineup · Our three main stars

The “Talent” (sic)

Marcie

Host · Gold-Digger · Winner, Award That Doesn’t Exist

A petty, self-centred gold-digger and quite possibly the world’s worst interviewer.

★ Winner: Best Interviewer, an award that does not exist

Ben

Co-Host · Impeccably Groomed · Nominee, Best Hair (Self-Awarded)

Homeless because he spends every penny he makes on expensive suits and personal grooming products… oh, and he’s also not a very good interviewer.

★ Also somehow the guests’ Uber driver. No car.

Tiffany

The Intern · Over It · Employee of the Never

Young, smart, disgruntled and bitter, and handed all the jobs nobody else wants to do. A fantastic interviewer, if she weren’t doing everyone’s laundry.

★ Do not drink the coffee she brings you

Special guest · Exclusive · Blockbuster · Never happened

Elvis Costello drops by!

The legend sits down with our hosts for a hard-hitting chat about carrots, next to a man in a carrot suit. It gets heated.

On-screen caption: This is not actually the real Elvis Costello

Marcie is a petty, self-centred gold-digger and quite possibly the world’s worst interviewer. Ben is homeless because he spends every penny he makes on expensive suits and personal grooming products… oh, and he’s also not a very good interviewer. Tiffany, the intern, is young, smart, disgruntled, bitter and foul-mouthed and is handed all the crap jobs nobody else wants to do. She would be a fantastic interviewer, if she wasn’t doing their laundry, cleaning their dressing rooms and pissing in the coffee she brings them every morning.

Side B — The Soundtrack

Drop the needle.

Pull the record out of its sleeve and give it a spin. The player follows you down the page, and you can tuck it away whenever you like.

Soundtrack coming soon · placeholder audio

And finally

Our Killer Closing Argument:

*cricket noises*(we’ll get back to you)

Bonus 7″ — The Pilot

Watch the pilot

Coming Soon

Starring nobody you think it is

Now with 40% more pilot!

Contact / Connect

Book the stars.
(Not the real ones.)

Partners · Press · Producers

Miss Marcie

Partners, press and producers: get in touch with Miss Marcie, Canada’s Pinup Girl.

missmarcie.rocks →

Coming soon

contact@example.com (coming soon)

Socials